When it happened, I lost myself. I became another person. Not even my mom could pick me up and put me back in my place. I had never had such a tragedy in my life. It came out of nowhere. I was depressed. I cared about no one, not even my mom. She was the worst. She would cry, then I would cry. I hated my family because they asked questions. I just wanted t o be left alone. But even when I was alone, I was left with my sorrowful thoughts, I was left alone coping with the loss of my father. I needed an escape.
I started drinking, heavily. I had some friends who always threw parties. I lied to my mom and told her I was going to birthday parties. When I first started going to the parties I was nervous, I had never drank before. I got lured into it. I’m not blaming peer pressure, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to fill my body with something to make me feel empty. The first party was 10-12 people. It was harmless. We played drinking games, and I got what I wanted. Looking back now, I remember staring at a wall trying to figure out what was going on. I was happy. Still to this day, my friends would say that I was the life of those parties. I was happiest when I wasn’t feeling. Things were going good. I even ended my relationship so I could go out and party. All night long I was happy. I was having fun by not feeling anything.
But one night something changed. The party was live; there were tons of people, tons of alcohol. Sure, there were adults, but the adults were just there to get drunk as well. This was the first night that I ever took shots. And I was feeling feisty, so I took 6. Less than an hour later I was sitting on the couch spacing in and out. The night was a blur. That night I was almost raped; no one would’ve stopped him if it weren’t for me gaining some sort of consciousness. After that night, I started to reconsider drinking.
A few weeks later, I met someone. His name was Flo. He was different, I liked him. But I knew it would never happen. I was wrong and we started talking. I put my faith in him and told him everything that I was going through. He lifted my spirits and things were better for once. But I wasn’t 100% better. I wanted to drink again. But he gave me an ultimatum. Him or alcohol. The choice was easy. He made me happy so I didn’t have to fill myself with things to make me blind to the cruel world. Once I stopped drinking, I was still a mess of emotions. I felt like no one understood me. But eventually, I got my act together. I wanted to make my mom proud. I had to show her that I wasn’t the crazy girl who screamed every time someone said his name. I had to show her that I could be an example for my sister.
I pushed myself. I pushed myself to the very edge of life. I started making good grades, I got a job to help with my struggling family, I started doing community service to show myself that it can in fact be worse. When I was almost ready to give up again, I got a letter. It was a letter from the school. I thought it was maybe for truancy because I barely went to school. But it was a letter talking about me being a possible candidate for National Honor Society. At first I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I didn’t think it was as great as everyone said. My family made a big deal out of it. So to prove to my mom that I was maturing, I went for it .
I did my hours, I did my clubs, I kept my grades up. But on the voting day, I was told that I might not make it because a teacher felt that I didn’t deserve it. I cried hard. I had disappointed my mom. The letter was delivered to my advisory on a Friday. I didn’t want to open the letter because I was scared of what it might say. I opened the letter and I had gotten in. I called my mom and we cried on the phone together. In only 3 short years my mom has became my best friend. She is the only person on my team.
At only 14 years old my world turned upside down. I had to fight all of the negative thoughts in my head and overcome the devil. He was dragging me down to live my life with him in hell forever, but on the other side holding my hand was my angel, the man whose legacy I will live through me. My father.
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