Lust, can be the only word to actually describe who i was. Although the saying goes no one or nothing can define you but God,i did not have the privilege to shake hands with the Holy spirit and acknowledge that i was a daughter of the most high. Instead I brought discouraged myself, through the feeling of a man to comfort me in ways i wasnt ready for. Like a scared child trying to find their way through the dark, so i was trying to find my way to something more than a wasteful relationship. What was the point? So confused in who I was I cried, daily, but never for anyone elses eyes, just the knowledge that I was broken and had given away so freely my kiss, held so precious in the eyes of the savior. What did i know? I was only a kid, yet I was so encouraged to take on the adult hood and be with a man… but I couldnt. I could feel the hot breath of a man with lust in his eyes, and I stood back. So disgusted with my actions I looked into his eyes to see the very meaning of what it was that I wanted and I saw nothing. No love, no remorse, no guilt or shame just... nothing. As I pushed him away I drove away silently... afraid to face the God who had saved me from my sins, and was trying to show me the better way. Instead of following his grace I kept up the steady pace
of sin. I began to cry because I was so ashamed of who I was. I had been fairly new to the concept of living a holy life set apart for God's use... but I knew in my spirit it was wrong. So deeply furious I pulled over and screamed, and pounded on my steering wheel I was so hot in the face with anger. I felt as though i had been living in a blinded lie that everyone else could see but me. like the moments you walk through a hall with strangers and think they all are staring at you, with embarrassment I cried out. “Everyone knows my secret shame now!”
at this point I heard, with my own ears my fathers love pour into me. Sitting in my empty car with just me and the creator we began to talk, fellowship, him telling me of his love and that when i first got saved long ago.I should've broke down and took the hand he offered me.
instead I allowed myself to go on with my life until I knew all I needed was him.
so I took his hand, and with a new hunger and a fire set in my heart I started my journey, erasing guys one by one until Jesus was the only one. With my heart set on him I continued to be dedicated, having a family in christ raise me up. year after year I see all the filth he stripped away from me. Like the outer layer of flesh of a diseased woman, I became clean. All that I held on to he took away. Showing me the better way, he forgave and forgot and taught, me to do the same.
as I finally started dealing with the things from the very beginning, I started to see how far I had walked with him in my Journey and began to wonder why I ever made the unconscious decision to become a victim of lust. So ravished in the beauty of who God was he began to lift me up. He showed me i was no longer a no faced characterless girl, I was a fearfully and wonderfully made Woman of God! With this confidence he finally bestowed on my heart, he opened my eyes to his kingdom, showing me my purpose here on earth,
the ministry to take over, The song that is always on my heart, made to worship him and teach others to worship, what the meaning of my voice is and friendship used build.
Finally, he opened my eyes to a man i didn't know existed. Physically or Spiritually, I began to wonder how God kept track of all my prayers, of a man I secretly desired for. A Man after his own heart, one who cherished God even more than I do, and with this new knowledge instead of taking old actions, I place this gift in my Creators hands and let him guide me into righteousness. And with this, I know who I am in him.
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