I grew up in a very much dysfunctional family that really caused a lot of deep depression to go on. My little brother and sisters dad was the reason for my dark part of my childhood. Although I adored their dad and believed he was my dad since he was all I knew when I was little. He had made the whole roller coaster of dark emotions start for me. After the huge split, by court order he made it very clear he never wanted me part of his custody. This is when the first drop of the roller coaster hit, I started my depression and anger, it definitely built up. I hated talking about my feelings because my mom, I felt didn’t care at the time. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, everyone didn’t understand a little girl who had “problems”. From then on I put a huge wall up to block every man out and anyone who tried to get close. I felt everyone who wanted to get close to me would soon leave so it was a lot easier to just shut myself up and nobody would get hurt. Every man that tried to talk to my mom I hated so much, I would be so rude whenever they came to meet us. I knew from then on I would never let a guy get close to me nor try to even care for me. It all was because of my brother and sisters dad leaving. I hated him. I hated the fact that my mom married a guy who didn’t have a great mindset. I thought all men were like him, all men just wanted to be with a girl for that reason, have kids then leave. I started to just keep to myself, walking around with a dull face and a broken spirit. A little heartbroken girl who had her wall builded up so high that man could ever hurt her again.
When I met John, my boyfriend, he was a light in my life. He taught me that I didn’t have to hurt anymore. He would be there to uplift me when I couldn't uplift myself. Many thought well “young love", Cielo. It wont last because you two are young and don’t really know what you want in life.” Yet in reality he has helped me so much to let my wall come down, to trust again.
He adored my smile that I hated so much because I thought if someone ever saw me smile they would feel I was weak and easily made happy. Whenever he saw me become closed off he told me to just relax and speak whats on my mind. Once I started telling him what I have felt over all these years it was like shackles broke off. That was when I learned it was okay to cry, it was okay to be weak sometimes as long as I get back up. He has comforted me when I have been to rock bottom. I have a low immune system ever since I got sick with viral and bacterial meningitis. So of course doctor visits come easy. This past time I fainted at church and my body just collapsed, John rushed to church to meet me but the ambulance already had taken me. When I got to the hospital there he was, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and said,”I didn't know what to do but pray.” It was like as if my heart just felt overwhelmed with peace. Peace in knowing I didn’t have to be strong and hold everything together by myself anymore. All I have ever wanted in life was just to have someone I can run to and break down and have them tell me everything will be alright, you're going to be alright. John has definitely been a blessing from God, he has helped me open up and try new things. He doesn’t mind me messing up , all he wants is to see me happy. Meeting him was a huge breakthrough for me. I have learned so many things from him. He has taught me to love myself and that my feelings do matter. That I don’t have to feel like im in this world alone. Not to mention his story is almost like mine so our values are both the same. Thats something I really do adore. The fact he came from a household where he took care of the kids and parents weren’t together but doing somewhat their own thing. It really helps me because my family struggles at times and he just pops up with pizza for dinner and helps me clean up. Like how could I be so blessed with a best friend as my boyfriend and someone who I can just run to and vent as long as I need. I truly believe if I didn’t meet him I wouldn't be here because of all the hurt and pain I was dealing with silently each day. He has made me better.
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